If you think you've got troubles...

...ask Matt about what he did to our new outdoor carpeting. Don't have his phone number? Oh, all right. I'll go ahead and tell you.

He draped our outdoor carpeting over the edge of the deck so he could sweep all the helicopter seeds away before laying the carpet down. Then he got distracted by my cries for help. Which sounded like this: "Help! Help!" I can't remember why. Maybe because I was getting ready for one of the weddings I officiated this weekend? And the baby was crying and trying to pull my pants down with his tugs and pleading for attention? Probably something like that.

So Matt doesn't get back to the carpet right away. And later he's in the backyard. And he starts wondering: "Why can I see the porch light through the carpet?" This would be the motion-sensing, light-sensing porch light that stays on all night because the timer is set wrong. Or something. We've never been able to figure out what's wrong with it. So whenever anyone crashes on our couch, they say, "Hey, your porch light is staying on all night." And I say, "Yes, we know. Matt's been meaning to fix that, but he's not sure how and anyway, how can he get it done when I'm always crying out for his help like this: 'Help! Help!'"

So it turns out that if you drape outdoor carpeting over a porch light that never shuts off, the light will actually BURN A HOLE THROUGH IT.

Yes. You may have troubles. But you don't have them troubles now, do you?